Guilty every time she spits up and I wonder if it was something I ate. Is she crying because I had spicy wings for dinner? Is that spit up more than usual because I had a latte yesterday? Is she still awake because I had a cup of coffee?
Guilty when I go to Bible study and I am the only one who fed their baby and dropped her off in daycare instead of holding her during the lesson. Those babies are the same age as Madi... should I have kept her? Do they think I'm a bad mom for dropping her off? This isn't even their first baby and they seem like good parents who know what they are doing. Madi is my first baby so does that mean I definitely should have kept her?
Guilty after receiving one of the nicest compliments from my friend Emily. She told me that I make motherhood look easy and I'm so relaxed and laid back and don't let the little things get to me. That's a big change in demeanor from pre-motherhood...does that mean I don't love Madison as much as I'm supposed to? Should I be more worried about going places with her or letting people hold her? Does my uncharacteristically relaxed attitude translate to not caring about her as much as I should?
Guilty dropping Madi off at the gym for me to go run on the treadmill. The logical side of my brain tells me that I don't have anything to worry about. One hour away from her isn't going to screw her up so why do I always feel a little bad every time I walk out the door there? It doesn't help on days like today when I came back into the room and Madison was in the exact same spot I left her on the play mat with the right half of her face soaked in spit up/drool while the two attendants sat watching TV...
Guilty asking Jason to try and give Madison a bottle so that I will be able to go to my evening Bible study and have friends babysit so we could go out to dinner. Madi screams and cries and refuses to take the bottle until I sit down with her and try. It breaks my heart to listen to her scream. Do we really have to give her a bottle? Is it selfish of me to want a little freedom and opportunity to go out with my husband?
Guilty for signing up for a half marathon rather than taking care of my household and spending more time with my family. Jason's working so hard and staying up late every evening... am I a terrible wife for making him wake up Saturday morning to play with Madi so I can rush out the door for my six mile run?
Guilty when I started got a cold and sore throat that I passed on to my family. Did I not keep Madi covered and dressed properly when we went outside? Was it because I left a window open that she caught a breeze? What should I have done to prevent her getting sick when I started feeling sick? It broke my heart to listen to her cough and to have to hold her down and use the nasal aspirator on her, causing her to scream and cry because she hates it so much.
I'm not sure where the guilt is stemming from and I have no idea when or if it will cease at some point. I need to do some praying and reflecting about it. Or perhaps it's the Lord's way of teaching me a lesson yet to be learned.
Fortunately, I have an amazing husband who is constantly encouraging me and reassuring me that I have no reason to feel guilty. I have a beautiful daughter who loves me and needs me and makes me heart melt when she smiles at me. And most of all, I have a Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and has blessed me beyond anything I could have ever imagined.
