A Letter to My Firstborn

Dearest Madison,

I love you so much baby girl, but I want to apologize to you and try to explain some things I've realized since having your sisters.

You are my firstborn. I thought I was prepared to become a mom and I quickly realized otherwise. I was overwhelmed at how difficult things were. I struggled greatly and I didn't handle the transition into motherhood well... I worried and stressed over everything and anything.

Were you gaining enough weight? Why were you always screaming after feeds? Why wouldn't you sleep? What do we need to do to prevent your days and nights getting mixed up? Are you using the pacifier too much? Why are you acting like you want to eat now when it's only been 1.5 hours since your last feed and not 2-3? Why are you still acting hungry when you just ate for 20 min? Why do you spit up every single time you eat?

I thought everything was a bigger deal than it actually was...a rookie mistake for sure. You were our test subject and, baby girl, I'm sorry. I feel like I failed you in some ways. I know I was too hard on you. I know I was too impatient with you. I know I expected too much of you.

I regret not cuddling you more. I regret being so selfish and not appreciating more the time I had with you. I see now how quickly time goes by and I hold your sisters close a little longer at night wishing I'd done the same with you instead of wanting to rush back to my own wants/needs.

I can't go back in time and re-do the mistakes I've made. I can only learn from them and do better with you and your sister in the future. I can only ask for your forgiveness and to promise that I love you and your sisters all the same.

But the next time I put you to bed, I will hold you for a little longer and praise the Lord for your unconditional love and that I still have time left with you to cuddle.

I love you now and always my sweet, precious girl.

Love,
Mom